I am born again on Thursday nights.

They'll never know.

A configuration of steps.
Coordinating movement.
Energy.

Is keeping me alive.
Enough to open my eyes
To hope, oxygen, sanity.

Hell is twofaced support.
Hell is months without Thai food.
Hell is forbidden secular music.

Their smiles.
Encouragement.
Pleading for a taste of understanding.

Fun.
Sounds.
Moves.

Communication.
Communicating the "city" in me.

Little did they know.
How lost I'd be without them.

I teach science.
They teach love.

I didn't see that one coming...

When is it not selfish to apologize?
When is it selfish to not forgive?
Reconciliation is bullshit. Sometimes.

Young. Naive.
A perfect sample of weak and vulnerable.
Hopeful. Positive. Clinging to make it work.
I'm glad that's over.

Seasonal message of contact.
Well, that is no longer your right.
Blocked.

I can never forget. I can never heal?
Someday. Forgiveness will come someday.
Not today. Not for you.

For myself. For me.
I forgive myself for allowing you to abuse me.
For continuing the cycle.

It stops. We'll stop it.
My love of my life and I.
Salud.
Begin again.

Begin anew.
Together.
Forever. And ever.

Travel Channel, I blame you!

It was a rainy Sunday afternoon. Nana and Poppa had just come from Iglesia. And the Top Ten Caribbean Travel Destinations was on the TV.

My mother begins the conversation with "Marsha why don't you get married somewhere out there?" and my eyes grew two sizes. The following are several sound bites that I hope are appreciated:

"You want your dad to marry you right?" - Nana
"Matt can wear a guayabera" - Nana
"Everyone can paid for themselves" Nana said referring to the destination travel costs for guests
"I'll buy your dress as long as it's not too expensive" - Nana
"This is all hypothetical" - Nana
"Your abuelita Victoria, yea she can't travel" - Nana
"I wasn't scared [to get married] " - Poppa
"I made the tamales for our wedding" Poppa said as she motioned stiring movements

Then I try to turn the tables,

"Who will pay for the wedding?" -Me
"You want us to pay for it?" - Poppa

"Or you should get married in Miami and I'll get to visit" - Poppa
"I want a California license, so if we divorce I'll get half!" - Me :)

Did I mention I'm not engaged?

Lust At First Sight

I am the girl that has never REALLY been without a boyfriend.

Yes, that bitch.

Never without a male companion at least,

but we were just friends...

I am the girl that doesn’t have too many female friends.

My mother would explain to other moms,

‘She just gets along better with boys;

rather run on the playground than play dolls’

Stuck up bitch.

I am the girl with the perfect hair.

God knew I’d be too lazy to do anything to it anyway.

Pretty bitch.

I am the girl that didn’t grow tall.

Yet, I blossomed in all the right places.

THAT bitch.

I am the girl that played sports and runs for validation

Every time I was knocked down emotionally

I made sure to even the score with a steady pace.

Skinny bitch.

I am the girl that fell in LUST at first sight.

As Predator, I needed to consume Prey.

For energy; to survive...

Little did I know.

I was lusting over a chick-flick loving, bamboo cutting board owning, gardener extraordinaire—

that loves to read instead of watching TV.
Like, OMG. IDK. WTF.

I found the guy that didn’t care I’d never been without a boyfriend.

Unconditionally got to know me, for me.

With the majestic deep purple bruises on my soul,

He had no idea what he was getting into.

I found the guy that doesn’t have too many male friends.

Strong women roles models shaped him well.

Women flock to this Shepard.

I found the guy that loved my hair, but loved my mind more.

The mind beneath the locks;

Beneath my brown skin;

My personality of wild cards, of truth—

He accepts it all.

I found the guy with the longest torso.

His lengthy self wraps me up perfectly;

Secured, I swear our bodies were made for each other.

I found the guy that used to play sports,

but you would never know it

You’ll find him at coffee shops and libraries;

and its rouged, masculine and sexy.

Naturally contradicting gender roles;

Patriarchal ideology;

Our love is badass.

Going on runs in which I set our pace,

Sharing meals He slaves for in the kitchen;

Joyfully fantasizing:

Bare walls,

No seats,

Just cold concrete.

This is my version of our love poem...

The future Echo Park.

Condescending. Fine. You are a trainer. Condescending and rude. Ok. You are a trainer and from a wealthier part of LA:

‘At our store...’ and ‘At every store, even yours’ Said in a bombastic and unappreciated tone.

You are a server. You happen to serve in a wealthier part of LA. You are still simply a server. Don’t kid yourself...

Racist? Never fine. Never welcomed. Never allowed. Not from anyone.
You are misrepresenting me as a Californian. And you, you are continuing your negative representation of all Texans.

The manager walks up to the table wearing nice clothing: dress slacks, dress shirt and tie. He is a light skinned Mexican American and offers advice. Later, he returns to the table dress in the same slacks, but this time with a chef’s jacket on.

‘HAHA...You look like on of them’ says one.
‘No! You aren’t dark enough’ says the other.

The manager gets up to leave.

What did I do? I sat and turned my face to not reveal my angry glare.

Later on, the conversation came upon desserts.

‘I love Tres Leches! Have you had it?’ says the Texan.
‘No’ says the other.
‘Does she look Mexican?!’ says a random visitor to the table.

What did I do? Again, turned away.

Am I helping the cause? No. Did I harm the cause. Probably, yes.
Am I responsible to speak up? Yes. But I didn’t. I couldn’t control my anger. I knew speaking then would do more harm than good. But by not saying anything, we still lose.


And what of the light skinned Mexican American manager? Was he so used to it that it no longer phased him? Or did he try to speak up and the past and considered it a lost hope? Or did he always not care? I don’t know. I didn’t get to ask. Should I have asked? Was our one time meet enough to bring up such a question? Does he have a clue I’ve been thinking about him since?

I will learn to control my anger. I hope next time I can be aware, think fast and respond appropriately to make their racist comments known as racist. Were the two females aware of their offensive remarks? Maybe. Maybe not. Were they aware of me, sitting there and listening. Yes. And by not saying anything at all they were indirectly told what you said was OK with me.. FUCK. I failed.
A lose-lose situation. I wasn't prepared. Wasn't, but next time...

I will be ready next time. I NEED to be.

Here we go, Here we GO.

Tomorrow: 11:30am. Interpersonal Communication Final Exam. Tonight: 11:00pm. I'll go out, stay out til 3:30am.

Yes&Yes.

Tonight is the end of the semester bash at Don's. But finals don't finish until Saturday? Oh well.

In 24 hours I'll be on a plane to Melbourne!

Game plan: Parrtyy. Wake up. Review. Exam. Move luggage to Lori's, then to Storage. Eat? Chill. Leave for Melbourne. Sleep. Wake up: ANZAC DAY Footy game! YES&YES. Go out that night. Wake up. Go to a Greek Orthodox church with Stacey. Go out that night. Wake up. Hang out in MELBOURNE ALL DAY. Go out that night? Wake up earrrrly: Great Ocean Road-- 12(11) Apostles! Bliss? Go out that night? Wake up, say goodbye to Melbourne/ Stacey: Hello again Gold Coast! ONE LAST NIGHT AT EAST, YO! Wake up at 6:00am, leave at 6:30, fly out at 11:05am-------------7am: HELLO LAX. Hello Promised Land. Helllooo Lover(s). Drive to Porterville. Hi Mama. Visit, visit, visit. El Portal? Back to LA Monday orr Tuesday??

THEN: Get job.......Study the stars...

I didn't know who Lady Gaga was until I came to Australia.

There is “little evidence for a great person theory of leadership”? Which is an explanation for complex events: simple explanation: scapegoats...? Meaning, if something goes bad a minority gets blame. But if something goes good we praise our great leader? 



...just a silly discussion question I might have on a final next Saturday. Thats right. SATURDAY. 8AM. That my second final. The first one is next Friday at 8AM.

While eating dinner with Lori tonight. James (Patrick Dempsey) and his friend (I don't know how to spell his name) joined us. They were waiting on their female friend (Flor) to join us as well. Instead of sitting in the only available seat at the table in between James and Lori, Flor asks James to move over so she can take his seat. Let me state I've never seen/ met Flor before dinner. This was my first impression of her. And I blatantly STARED at her as she asked James to "Move his fat ass" and laughed. I stared/ "glared" at her for a solid 10 seconds. I just thought she was rude. What was so hard to sit in between James and Lori? I didn't understand...Lori said I "glared" and should never, ever be allowed to play poker.

Exciting day tomorroooow! (20)